forgivetheinsubordination | IC Contact

FROM: red@cdc.org hi. i hope youve been okay garrus. i wanted to ask you about something. when we went outside camp together you talked about training. what were you thinking? FROM: red@cdc.org theres a lot of free time on the ship. feels longer than on the planet

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Hey, Red. I've been decent.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

I'm thinking teaching you how to fire a gun, how to use things on the field as cover to protect yourself and Charizard, basic partner techniques like flanking that you can perform with him, that sort of thing.

FROM: red@cdc.org decent? FROM: red@cdc.org actually decent sounds about right for me too FROM: red@cdc.org i tried the paintball gun game they did but i wasnt very good at it. can we do anything while were here? i saw a notice for a training room but its been closed since we got here FROM: red@cdc.org if you want to. i dont know if theres anything we can really do like this

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

The VR grid room's open. We can set up a range in that, program in guns, targets, mix it up.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

I'd like to do that. I'd like to work with you. You free now?

FROM: red@cdc.org i am. ill try and find it now. i can message you if i get lost FROM: red@cdc.org is it vr like virtual reality. i dont have to bring anything but charizard?

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Right. VR stands for virtual reality, and it's got all of the CDC-issued weapons already in its database. I can call it up with the press of a button.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

After we get the basics going, might even be able to incorporate Charizard, start up some partner work.

[ He thinks about sharing that he totally guessed that from video game magazines, but -- uh. He'll keep it to himself. ]

FROM: red@cdc.org okay.[ ... ] im fine if its just me without charizard for today. i know i wont always be able to have him with me

[ He can't remember if they ever discussed that (sure, about Charizard being a reliability flying off to help recruits by himself, of which Red hadn't been comfortable with), but it had been made more a possibility in the days since the last mission) ]

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org<

I'll leave that call up to you. It's true you won't always have him with you, but I figure most of the time you probably won't need to separate. He needs your guidance somewhat, doesn't he?

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

You're the student, Red. Tell me what you'd like to learn and work on, and that's how we'll do it.

[ Give him a moment or so. ]

FROM: red@cdc.org when i took part in the gun practice i had a hard time shooting the paint at people FROM: red@cdc.org i need to get over that

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Then leave Charizard behind. I'm gonna make the targets look turianoid.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Humanoid. People-like.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

I'll be here for you through this.

[ Ah. He should have asked about the targets looking like no type of creature after all.

But he didn't, for a reason. ]

FROM: red@cdc.org see you soon

[ Maybe he should've anyway.

Red makes his way to the VR room by ways of maps and signs, feet in no hurry but not lagging. It's the before that keeps him longer, spending some time deliberating over whether to really leave Charizard behind or not (he can keep him in his ball, what if someone comes and takes him-) and trying to prepare himself in what's actually just standing there doing nothing.

The argument of being ready to kill isn't one he's yet finished having with himself, apparently.

Regardless, Red doesn't keep Garrus for long, and if the turian is there for him to approach, he'll get to hear the boy's voice loud to speak up first, his arms folding tightly under his chest. ] Hey, Garrus! Do you have anything like virtual reality tech where you're from?

[ So how's the weather? ]

[He's hard at work by the time Red joins him, trying to make something that looks bipedal but not too familiar. This isn't the Black Box, and he's not here to break Red. He's here to help. The things are starting to look like short krogan, really, round, crested shapes with arms and legs and an added four eyes because why not.

The point is that they're close to 99% of the recruits, but not quite there. They don't look human. Red's question gets Garrus looking up and flaring his mandibles out as if this is a happy meeting. It's not like it isn't, particularly, but he knows it's going to be heavy. He keeps typing as he talks, finishing up.]

They do. Armax Arsenal Arenas. My people made them for combat simulation. They're pretty damn good. Maybe not exactly as versatile as the Black Box, they don't get in your head, but you can put in any weaponry, any enemy, even program backup if you wanna train with a group but solo.

There's competitions in some of them, too. Points, leaderboards. Seating for spectators. Lot of fun all around.

[And when the war ends, maybe they'll be rebuilt. Garrus gives the console a nod.]

Looks like I've got it set, if you wanted to take a look.

[ It isn't as if this isn't unrelated to combat, but listening to Garrus talks makes him unable to connect it to what they've decided to do for training, and he even nods, thinking to himself about how cool it sounds. Who doesn't like leaderboards? It sounds like a video game that way.

His hands rub against his skin, but he doesn't delay in walking over at the offer with a light- ] Sure.

[ Red figures, anyway, he means the console than to set up the simulation, to peer at whatever is visible on its screen. Which are... not what Red expects. The boy stares at the weird creative license on display. ]

Huh. [ He rocks once, from his toes to his heels. ] Is that what humans look like? [ a glance down at himself- ] I never noticed.

[It takes all of his willpower not to laugh. Instead, Garrus tilts his head and tries for a hurt tone of voice.]

I'm not... Are you saying I didn't do very well? That it's not... I tried. I...

[And then it's too much and he's snickering.]

No. No, Red. That's not what humans look like. But it's got some similarities. Bipedal, upright, two arms. Wanted to give you something with some familiarity, but not too much. Did you need it to be more human-looking?

[ Red scoffs a laugh, he's smiling -- all of what he shouldn't be, but let him detach himself for a while longer, for however short-lived it is.

There's a moment before his answer to Garrus's question. ]

I don't know. [ He came here worried about that, and now that's his answer. ] Not everything's going to look human. But one day it may be humans, like me. [ His lips are thin, tightly pressed against each other between each pause. ] I still won't want to shoot it.

[ Another pause, and he asks in the same light voice: ] Think it matters? [ What it is, when his hands are going to be unsteady one way or another. ]

[Garrus studies Red for a few moments before finalizing his settings. The lip press, the tone of Red's voice, the boy is already going to be struggling.]

I think we start here. I think we start here, and then we see where we go. Should...

[He shakes his head.]

Was gonna say you should never want to shoot, but that's not quite right. Some people deserve it. Sometimes you have to shoot because others are gonna get hurt otherwise. But it should never get easy to take a life.

[A beat. It had gotten easy to take merc lives, terrorist lives. Killing reaper forces wasn't the same, they were already dead. But Garrus has grown immune to killing those that need killing. This speech isn't the first time he's been a hypocrite, and it won't be the last.]

Come on. Let's go in.

[ It should never be easy. Red doesn't look at Garrus, though he nods - and he'll follow with Garrus, but speaks up too. ]

I asked people about their worlds and where they come from. What killing meant to them. I was trying to find something to help. [ To swallow it down easier. In the end, he wasn't sure that he did. ] If I want to protect everyone, I need to do it. It doesn't matter if they deserve it.

[ His heart reminds him it's there as he speaks, even though he's simply saying aloud the truth of their situation. Simple, straightforward. And this time, he's more ready to deal with it than skirting around it as he did with Garrus back on Macha.

(And maybe today he's only something comparative to ready because he knows this won't be real.)

But Red's words don't stop. There's a moment, a space for a breath, before a memory that's been close to him for a while surfaces. He opens his mouth to tell it, a sudden need to have it be said as it enters his mind. ]

Did I tell you about the time I met a ghost? It was of a marowak -- a pokémon. She died when she fought back against people who were trying to take her and her child Cubone away. But she didn't stop there. She stayed in the tower scaring off anyone that came inside, because... the people who killed her were still inside.

She was protecting everyone. [ He can feel the moisture at the rims of his eyes. But he needs to finish, while his voice has lost its false composure, a volume higher than before. That pokémon was strong. Her story deserved to be told. ] Marokwak... that mother, she was still protecting Cubone even after death. She didn't want anyone else to die.

[ His breath in is sharp, rattling in his mouth and down through his throat, and finally Red wipes at his face with the back of a hand. That was all there was to it, all the words he had to say. How little it helped to say it doesn't matter (he feels sick, he's really going to do this) -- like Garrus said, killing should never be easy.

Another breath in, out. Each one visible by his body. But Red doesn't turn, and he won't. ]

They can haunt me.

[They hurt him in their own ways, all of the young that are struggling to come to terms with what the CDC expects of them. And if Garrus could take their burden on his shoulders, if he could murder in their place, he would. None of them have that luxury.

Once the doors close behind them, Garrus is turning and kneeling, bringing himself down to eye level with Red and putting a hand on the boy's shoulder.]

They will. They'll haunt you. But you won't be alone in being haunted. We'll all carry the weight together.

[No, it wouldn't hit everyone this hard, and some wouldn't be effected at all. But it's better to say 'all' than 'most' or even 'some.' Red doesn't need precision, doesn't need names. He needs comfort. Knowing that the burden isn't all on his shoulders seems like it would be comforting.]

And one day, maybe, we'll be strong enough to protect everyone we want to protect.

[Garrus is proud of Red, though. Proud of the way the boy's changed his tune since their walk in the woods, proud of how he's grasped what this place is going to require of them. He's not trying to hide from it. He's seeing its cost, its reality, and bracing to take that on.]

I'll be with you. Every step of the way, as long as I have any say in the matter. We'll take it a step at a time, but we'll take those steps.

[A gesture has the different CDC-issued guns appear on racks, ready to be picked from. Garrus will let Red choose which one he'd chosen before, and he'll take the same one for ease of teaching.]

I'm glad you're here, Red.

[ The closeness of the turian at his level doesn't bother Red, the boy stopping as soon as Garrus kneels down in front of him, not flinching either from the hand. He keeps his reddening eyes on the face, having nowhere else he wants to put them, nothing he wants to hide when he holds no shame for his misery, though his lips do squeeze and his head dips when Garrus speaks about protection. He's not so sure if strength will be enough to protect everyone, but - something like that would be nice.

His gazes back up to Garrus's face to the end, and he nods. ]

I don't want them to suffer. [ And never has, but it's a different kind of tune from all the times before. The next part he can't say with his eyes open (to have another pair looking back), the last few words being carried out by his breath: ] I want it to be painless.

[ He breathes in after, gazing off when he sees once more. Whatever control he can keep on himself, he wants to keep it, though it doesn't stop a tear from rolling to his mouth.

Red puts a hand on the one that sits on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze before walking to the way that Garrus had gestured before. Looking at the selection he picks out compact gauss gun without much decision, turning back around with it in his hold, level to his stomach. ]

This is the one I have.

[Garrus stands back up to follow Red when he moves, letting him pull out the gun and nodding when Red says it's his.]

And the best way to make it clean, make it be painless, is to learn how to use this.

[Which is why the boy's here.]

Take a seat, Red. First thing I'm gonna teach you is the gun itself.

[He grabs the duplicate one and slowly starts taking it apart, piece by piece, taking the time that Red can copy him.]

To know a weapon is to know all its parts. Know how it works, why it works, know how to clean it and take care of it. When you can break it down and build it back together you have an understanding of it, and then you can respect it.

[They'll need to get to firing, sure. But Red's upset as it is. Garrus wants to build up slowly, not break the boy.]

[ Sit -- Red will sit, somewhere, right where he is if all there is is ground. That doesn't bother him, and when he does he's still carrying that something heavy in him. Harder now to act so casual or act at all as anything but the boy he is. Breathing, allowing the time granted to continue to try and steady his emotions through his breathing.

Red doesn't actually expect to be waited on to copy - but he will as soon as he realises, fumbling some for the slide lock that allows separation with a weapon than feels stronger than his own hands (how come? aren't they meant to be in a simulation room now...?). ]

You respect it?

[ There's some surprise in the question. ]

Yes.

[He's not surprised that Red's surprised. People who haven't handled weapons before... Well, it makes sense.]

This isn't a rake or a shovel. This isn't a wrench, or a tool that has a civilian application. A gun is designed to kill. There's no hiding its purpose and there's no other use. When you pull out a pair of scissors, you're often not intending harm. But when you pull out a gun, you're ready to hurt someone or something. You have to respect the weapon, and respect the intent behind its use.

[The disassembly is nearing completion, and Garrus starts laying out the parts.]

[ When Garrus puts it like that, it makes the weapon in his hand - being pulled apart into a useless shell, but still a weapon - all that more of a foreign, unnatural thing in his hold, makes him want to be that more distant from it. ]

How? How do you respect something... just made to kill?

[ He's still copying, laying out each piece as Garrus does. Near symmetric, but that much care isn't given. ]

[He blinks, pausing, trying to figure out how to explain it better.]

You... Mm. If you came upon a predator, you wouldn't just run up to it, right? You'd respect its space. Stay away from it. Let it do its thing. Generally speaking. It's a little similar here. You don't toss a gun around like it's a toy. You don't point it at people or things you don't wanna shoot.

[He resumes setting out the last few pieces as he keeps talking.]

You keep it clean. You keep the safety on at all times when you're not in or about to be in combat. That making sense?

...I guess.

[ At least, he's trying, even if he doesn't sound so sure. But comparing a predator to a gun, that sort of situation... ]

Isn't that just safety?

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