forgivetheinsubordination | IC Contact

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

I do. And I'm not quite drunk yet. I'm up for finishing the job.

[Also Normandy speak, this time for "not dead, but so damn close."]

FROM: vasneema.talizorah@cdc.org

good.
do you mind coming over to my rover? sterile.

[Because if she has to round this day out with an infection...]

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

You're really gonna make me walk somewhere, vas Neema? Fine, fine.

[And a time later he's knocking on her door. It would have been faster, but he's moving slow. Everything hurts.]

FROM: vasneema.talizorah@cdc.org

I'd tell you Im sorry, but...

[The implication is 'but I'm not sorry'. In truth, though, she is. She knows just how bad moving around is right now. Like trying to lift a completed jigsaw puzzle in your bare hands and feeling like it's on the brink of crumbling.

There's a moment before she opens the door, and when she does, it's to beckon him in quickly and close the door behind him. The reason for that is immediately apparent - she's wearing a uniform shirt that's slightly too big, but it doesn't hide her bare right hand, or that the whole suit arm is gone. It definitely doesn't hide that her face mask is off.]

So. [Her voice is raw and sounds tired as hell, but she's managed a small grin.] How's your day been?

It's been great. Got a view of the forest floor I've never seen before. Picked a flower.

[He enters as quickly as possible despite the aches and pains. It's important, when her face mask is off.]

Reconnected with myself. Got in touch with my organs and blood in a way I hadn't imagined would ever happen. Even just took some time and stopped breathing, letting the whole world wash over me.

[It takes some effort to sink into the chair and not just collapse and risk falling over, but he doesn't want to be on the ground again so he manages.]

I would recommend it to absolutely no one. You?

Sounds a lot like the day I had. [She steps slowly back towards her bunk and, opening the curtain properly, sits on the edge of the bed.] Only I didn't get to commune with nature, I mostly stayed indoors. Made my, uh, blood and my body one with the rover.

[She grins, coughs - she's learned the art of covering her mouth when she does that quickly - and then surreptitiously wipes her hand off on an already red-spattered cloth.] Kind of like that.

[It's better than it was, before the nanites. Tiny flecks, that's all.]

You know, it worked. This. [She gestures to the bloody cloth, and can't look at him for a moment.] There's not much I wouldn't do to stop it ever happening again.

[She's injured and ill both, and Garrus is so angry, but he's even more angered by her words. Despite what it takes, he gets back up so he can close the distance and rest a hand on her covered shoulder.]

Don't. Don't, because we did what we were told to do. Avoiding it... Yes. I'd want to too. But don't let them break you, Tali.

[He gets it. The pain had been terrifying. What if thirty seconds was a lie, what if they weren't coming back on, what if this was it?]

They have a power over us. But I can't think of what we could have done differently. Which means that they could pull this any time, for any reason, and that giving in won't even help you.

Giving in won't hurt any more, though, will it? [She looks up at him, one hand massaging her temple, something she's never done before and that actually gives some relief to the headache.]

They have absolute control over us. We already knew they could kill any of us any time. Now we know they'll torture us to prove a point, but we don't even know what the point is!

[She might be giving in, but she's angry too. Her rises with it, raw as it is. But there's no way anger is going to help and so it's useless, and that just makes it worse. It has nowhere to go, no constructive direction. And so she's helpless. And that's frightening.]

There's nothing we can do except keep surviving. That's not being broken.

It will. It will, because of who you are, Tali. Because you've never given in, and you'll remember every day that you gave up.

[The edge in his subharmonics is no longer just anger; determination is worked in. They can't break one of his oldest and dearest friends. They're not allowed.]

Your priority has to be Rannoch, has to be the people you care about, not not getting hurt again. Because if this says anything, it says that no matter what you do, there could still be pain. Acting to avoid it... That's not the Tali I know, and it's not any way to live. And there's plenty we can do.

[He leans forward urgently, forgetting the shape he's in, and has to pause to catch his breath for a second before he can continue. Ow.]

We fight. Not actively. But we fight by encouraging every single person they hurt. By building them up. By becoming crew, not with the CDC, but with the recruits. By showing them that we're not just toys to be played with and discarded when they're not entertained anymore. We stand together. And together, we can be strong.

My priority is Rannoch. [She knows Garrus is trying to help, knows he means well and that every part of him must be raging against this just as she is. But she's not him. She has her own blacks and whites, and they're not necessarily like his.] None of my people have to do this while I'm here. None of them have to deal with this. Because I'm doing it for them.

[She grabs for the curtain rail over her bunk and stands with difficulty - but she wants to look him full in the face for this.]

I'm a quarian. If I have to break for the Migrant Fleet, I'll do it. If I have to give up who I am, I'll do it. [The last words blurt out before she can even stop them, before she can think them. They're low, and intense, and the very sound of them surprises her.]

And if I have to destroy planets for them, I'll do it.

[She has to look down then, look away from his face. She's afraid, suddenly, of what she'll see there.]

Then what's the point?

[They're both angry and hurt and maybe this isn't the best idea ever, but it's not really like Garrus is thinking.]

If you're gonna give up who you are, why not take off the suit and go outside? Why bother with a sterile environment? You wouldn't jeopardize your planet and at least you'd go out you.

Destroying planets is one thing. It's something we have to do. But...

[He shakes his head.]

But giving into fear? Did you do that against the Shadow Broker's men? Did you do that on Freedom's Progress when something unknown had just taken everyone and could still be lingering?

[Thinking is not either of their strong suits at this point. It's not exactly a conversation they'd be having if they were both calm and healthy.]

Do you think wiping out planets isn't giving up who we are? Really?

[Everything about this is horrendous. Trying to keep her head down and not make it any worse than it has to be... She doesn't understand what's so much worse about that than what anybody else is doing. She's tapping a foot, hands unable to stay still she's so agitated.]

I went to the Shadow Broker because I was gave in to fear. I'm here because I'm afraid for Rannoch and I gave in. You can't make this as simple as... [She gestures uselessly.] As fight them or you may as well kill yourself.

Thanks, by the way. [And the tone of voice, the words, they're not her, they're too rough and bitter to be her because he just had to bring up the suit, had to push... and as soon as she says them, she stops dead. Swallows. Takes a deep breath.]

Can we stop talking about this?

[He's taking a breath of his own to argue his point, especially after her 'thanks' which wasn't any sort of thanks at all, when she makes her request. Can they stop talking about it. Stop talking about her just giving in. But more than that, stop counting on her for when it comes time to take down the CDC because he will never stop aiming for that. Especially now.

It hurts to think that maybe when the cards are all in play, she won't be with them. Because he knows where Shepard stands, has a feeling Joker will be just as up with taking them down, but until this very moment he'd expected Tali to be along... and he can't even make that clear.

Garrus looks down, takes a couple of steps back and sits down.]

Yeah.

[Maybe there will be a time when she's not frightened and he can edge around it in the future. There's a chance there won't be. As he pours the two glasses, Garrus wonders if he shouldn't just be drinking to ease the pain, but if he should be mourning as well. His voice and ragged subharmonics are sad as he speaks and holds out a cup to her.]

Pick a topic, Tali.

[She doesn't want to stop. She wants to keep going, ask him if that's what this is all about - whether she's willing to fight the CDC or not. Make him ask her outright and tell him the cold truth: not while they have a hold over Rannoch.

She wants to stop feeling like she's having to choose between her friends and her people, like she's failed some kind of test.

But she stops. Takes a breath. Plucks the cup out of his hand and, for a moment, stares blankly down at the gasoline-coloured liquid. Then she takes a drink. There's a clear moment when the look on her face settles from a desolate, helpless anger to something calmer.]

You're letting me choose a topic? Hmm. [This is Tali trying her damndest to recover this to something normal. She moves to sit down, gingerly.] I should wait for you to be more drunk before I start asking about you and Noh-Varr, huh.

[Garrus chuckles at that, taking a sip of his own brandy. When they're not in pain he'll try again. When she's not terrified. He can't give up yet, because she's Tali. Of course she'll stand with them. Right?]

If you wait for me to be drunk, I might not be able to explain any of it.

[He swirls the liquid around, looking into it.]

I... [A shrug.] Fell into it accidentally. He's attractive. Like a magnet, and when you've got metal in your hide...

[His mandibles flare just a little as he deflects some. The whole of the relationship is complicated and he's not even really sure where to start.]

[Maybe she'll come round - maybe circumstance and perspective will change her mind. For now... Well, better that they changed the subject.

She snorts at the joke, softly, but there's a thoughtful sort of look on her face as she watches him.]

You're really serious about him.

[Her original comment had been half-teasing; she didn't really expect the answer she got.]

[Garrus takes a breath and then another sip of his drink before answering.]

I am. And he's... not so much.

[Now he looks up at her. This isn't exactly a safer topic, but at least it's one he's mostly come to terms with.]

Broke up with him because he wasn't interested in being into anyone. He didn't want to care like that. When that changed, when he got open to it, [another shrug,] that's when I decided to take another chance. But I'm not his only.

[And he's not even sure he's that special to Noh, some days. But that's not a burden you put on the shoulders of a friend. Especially when she's already got enough.]

Weird thing, realizing you might actually want something serious when you fall for someone who doesn't. Really wasn't looking for that.

[Her thoughtful expression tightens a little into concern - and then, at a certain point, her brows shoot up. When he finishes, she's looking down into her drink, quiet for a moment, and then:]

Sorry, I didn't mean to dredge this up. But I-- [A clear note of incredulous anger seeps into her voice.] He's with somebody else?

[To Tali's ears, without the proper context and knowing what's going on, just sounds a hell of a lot like, 'Noh-Varr is cheating on her friend'. And she's more than ready to get righteously indignant on Garrus's behalf.]

[He realizes he's explaining this wrong and his mandibles draw in to his face. Or maybe he's explaining it right and she's angry anyway, he's not sure. But he doesn't want her to be angry.]

He doesn't want something exclusive.

[Every time he says it out loud, he has to confront how poor a decision it sounds all over again. He'd been pretty sure that Noh really cared, that Garrus really mattered to him, but he's seeing the Kree spread himself thin and Garrus is starting to have some doubts. He doesn't like the doubts.

He wants Noh, he wants this to work. They just need to find some time that isn't chaos to talk and reconnect, he thinks. Macha's been a mess. They've got to be due for a break sometime here. A break, time to be the two of them.]

He's not ready for that. Don't know... [Garrus takes a breath.] Don't know if he will be, or when.

Oh. I see. [She looks quite taken aback and her voice is uncertain enough that it should really be clear that she doesn't see.]

Well, I thought you meant you'd... I don't know, caught him with somebody. [She looks down at her drink for a moment. Is the honesty better? She's not sure.]

Maybe I'm not the best person to give romantic advice. [Crushes and gossip and romance vids are not a genuine foundation in these things.] But I do know that loving somebody and feeling like you're not enough for them is hell.

[She takes another drink.] If you can avoid that, do it. Any way you can.

Still... working on sorting that out. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I keep thinking one day, sometime, maybe he'll realize what he's got. That it's not limiting to be more focused. I don't know, Tali. I... I'm really into him. Didn't like not being with him, but I needed that break.

[Garrus shakes his head. She doesn't see, but he can't blame her because he doesn't see sometimes either.]

I hear that you've made insteps yourself, though. Got Niko pulling off his shirt for you, rushing to help you when you're coughing up blood...

[It's so much safer a topic than the one of him and Noh-Varr. So much simpler, or so he hopes.]

[It's difficult to blame him. Hard to know what she'd do in the same situation - it's easy to stand back on the sidelines and tell him what he should do. Judging and having opinions is much easier than being the one actually feeling these things.

And she's lifting her glass, ready to take another drink and then say something... she's not sure what... when his first words make her pause with a genuinely confused look on her face - and then she freezes, squinting at him.]

How did you... ['How did you know about the shirt thing' is probably not the best first question to ask. However, stopping the question there is probably even more incriminating, so she can't win.]

He didn't pull his shirt off. He pulled it up. There's a difference. [... Somehow she makes those sentences sound somewhat dignified.] We were talking about anatomy. And he was drunk.

[That explains a hell of a lot of things in any given situation, but the fact that Tali can't hide a grin at just how drunk he was probably isn't helping her.]

And I hope if I'm ever in your rover coughing up blood, you'll rush to help me as well.

[That's just common courtesy, Garrus, you big bully.]

[Bait taken, far better topic engaged.]

He only pulled it up, during an anatomy discussion? Maybe you have a point, then. I mean, damn, Tali. I thought you'd know how to get a guy out of his shirt by now.

[He sounds a little bit like himself, now.]

You went over to his rover for comfort, and he's only pulled his shirt up. Do you need a... what's it called. Wingman? At least I've gotten someone's shirt off here.

[And more, but they both know that and there isn't a need to go into too-many-details territory here. Garrus takes a drink quickly, knowing that it's entirely possible she could turn things right back around on him - which means he needs to swallow fast and avoid risking choking.]

Maybe I do have a point. [... That's not helpful either. No, there's no winning this.

There is going to be no explaining this. She could get defensive, insist that she is perfectly capable of being friends with someone without trying to get them naked, or that what exactly is she supposed to do with any human once their clothes are off anyway.

... She thinks the latter and then her brain immediately supplies several things because this is a great time to have an imagination. Either way, she really can't win. He'll never shut up now.

If all she's going to get here is pyrrhic victory, so be it.]

Just the shirt, Garrus? Really?

[Tali's great talent for sounding totally serious while she's actually smirking behind her mask: revealed. Her mask is a few feet away and can't help her now.]

You know, Tali, if you're gonna go around without your mask, we're gonna have to work on your facial expressions.

[Because he can see that. And if she wants to open that door, then by all means, Garrus is going to make her regret it. What are friends for?

He leans forward, mandibles flaring.]

His suit is actually one piece. All comes off together. Taken it off multiple times, but I prefer when he takes it off. Should I go on? Want some details about human-like anatomy so you'll be ready when Niko takes a little more off? If he does?

IC Contact - Consignment

LOL

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Adult-ish talk beginning here...

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