forgivetheinsubordination | IC Contact

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

Do you have a free hour or two?

[He's found a moment to sit down, to poke at rations and start thinking, and oddly enough, this might be exactly what he needs.]

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

I do. If you've got the patience for a guy who is trying to figure some stuff out.

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

Only if you let me borrow your bed. Even better if it has you in it.

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

I need some proper rest.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Funny enough, I might've been told to get some rest. Drop by room 002. Bonus - nobody else is here right now. Got it to myself.

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

I saw.

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

I'll come meet you.

[ He shows up a few minutes later, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. His uniform may be comfortable and all-purpose, this is a sign, both to Garrus and to himself, that this is a personal call. ]

Guess most of the ship saw.

[His voice is quiet, subharmonics about mid-range. They're not tense, but they're not relaxed. Garrus greets Noh by brushing fingers through his hair before a gentle forehead nudge.]

Come on in. I've... hah.

[Been stuck, basically, struggling since Shepard got punished and his conversation with Armada, and now the one with Warriorhead has him aware of all too much.]

Not the greatest company. But you probably had an idea of that.

[ Noh-Varr listens, quiet. He listens to what Garrus has to say and what Garrus doesn't say, and for once, he feels no criticism, only shame.

Reaching up, he cups Garrus' face, tugging him down, low until their foreheads are touching. His thumbs stroke the plates of Garrus' cheeks. ]

You're doing a good job--the best that you can. That's all that can be expected of you. You're learning, we all are. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[ Once he's said his piece, his eyes flutter closed, and he presses his nose to Garrus'. He's been so caught up in his own pain that he became negligent, and he needs to remind Garrus--and himself--that he isn't alone. Maybe that, too, will help with the reminder that the new crew has its place alongside the old. The insecurity he's usually so dismissive of, it tells him that he isn't doing a good enough job. There's a burden here that needs to be shared. ]

I don't need the greatest company, only yours.

[Garrus exhales, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch. It's grounding. Relaxing. And combined with the words, something he's sorely needing right now.]

I need your company too.

[There's a choice directly ahead of him, and he already knows where it's going to lead, already knows what he's probably going to do, but he's not all right with it. He's struggling.]

You mind if I talk? ...a lot? I mean, rest too. But...

[But right here is where he actually feels safe enough to talk, to work through this. Noh-Varr cares. Even more, Noh-Varr cares about him and Garrus cares back, and Garrus trusts the kree.]

[ He nods, pulling away only enough to move towards Garrus' bed, shucking his shirt as he goes. He doesn't quite leave it on the floor, has enough presence to leave it on the bed. The jeans go, too. His movement are always graceful, but there's something about the casual way he does it that makes it clear he's only undressing for comfort, not to get physical. ]

Talk all you want.

[ 'I'm here for you' goes unsaid. He sits on the bed, beckoning Garrus to sit beside him. ]

[He's thankful for the way Noh undresses. The kree is gorgeous, desirable, but Garrus has no desire for anything more physical than Noh-Varr's arms right now. He can't. There's too much going on in his head.

Garrus closes the privacy screen before pulling off his tunic and leggings and joining Noh on the bed.]

I... Years. I've followed her for years. Her leadership's the reason we've still got a galaxy to fight for. Why I am who I am. I mean I... Hell, I was an asshole. I complain about Leng, but a decade ago... And that's off track.

[He shakes his head while reaching behind them to tug blankets down. It gives him time for another breath.]

Sorry. It's scattered. I'm scattered. Point is, I owe her a lot. But she went off. If what Armada said is true, and he doesn't have a reason to lie, she went way off. And I backed her up blindly because she's been my best friend for years and didn't-- I backed her up.

[He hadn't known what all she'd said, how far she'd gone. But that doesn't actually matter.]

Without looking deeper, I did that, while the ship's dealing with a situation. When I need to be alert and taking care of my duty and my people.

[When he's made a promise to take care of his squad.]

I can't... I...

[He takes another breath, reaching up for his visor and pulling it off, holding it in his hands.]

I lost a squad once. Same damn way. Same stupid, blind way. Closed my eyes to what was going on and saw what I wanted to see.

[ Noh-Varr listens. He gets that kind of loyalty; it's the kind of mindset he was raised in, and while he himself hasn't been faithful to a commander in that way in a long time, he still understands. Once you've dedicated yourself, it becomes hard to extricate yourself, as if seeking to justify the effort and time you put into that person. How blindsided had he been by the Supreme Intelligence?

He doesn't know Shepard, not well at any rate. She's peripheral to him, a leaf in his tree, but he knows the size and weight of her in Garrus' life. It makes him angry, not at Garrus, but at her for being so inconsiderate of the lives of her crewmembers. He's spent his entire life learning that it was sometimes better to stand down and shut up. Surely in thirty-odd years she would have picked up some discretion?

As Garrus brings the blanket up over their shoulders, he tucks his head beneath Garrus' chin, resting fully against the turian's chest plating.]

They're hard habits to break. You just need to learn to adapt faster.

[ Adaptation. Something of a specialty, and right now he feels like he isn't doing it justice. Case in point: he's sleeping here, because he's having difficulty finding rest in his own bed. When did he let the room become a 'safe' space? Safe places don't exist. ]

Tell me about your squad.

Edited 2014-12-15 07:29 (UTC)

[Adapt. It's not one of his best skills. He tends to hit the ground running, but there's never a promise that he'll hit it running correctly. He rests the side of his head against the top of Noh-Varr's, building up to responding to Noh's request.

Garrus turns the visor over in his hands again before offering it to Noh-Varr.]

The names there.

[His voice is so very quiet now, subharmonics heavy.]

There's ten.

[And one burned out.]

We were... There was a time when I felt like I wasn't doing enough. Couldn't do enough. Needed to make a difference. I went to a space station with no laws. Omega. Started bringing justice in. Mercs, slavers, people who preyed on those who had nowhere else to go. People started talking about me and I got a nickname. Archangel.

[So there's that mention explained. He shifts, putting an arm around Noh-Varr's middle, feeling the weight of his priority against him.]

Other people joined up. Ones who were disillusioned, who had lost people to Omega. I lead them. We made... We made a difference. A big one. And pissed off a lot of people, people who were losing money while we saved lives. So they came after us. And they came after us through someone I trusted. Sidonis. Another turian.

[That name isn't legible. One guess as to what got burned off the visor, Noh-Varr. As he talks, his subharmonics get heavier and heavier.]

Had him... Had him pull me away from the base. While I was out, he lead people in, and all ten of my squad died. I was too focused on the cause. Too focused on justice and helping, and I should have seen through him. Good people. All of them. They deserved better. And I...

[He shakes his head and his voice gets a little distant.]

Got back to the base. Held it against three merc companies for three days straight. Fixed things with my father when I figured it was the end. Shepard showed up, with Solus and a couple others you haven't met in tow, and I survived.

[Garrus reaches up to touch his scarred mandible.]

Got this in the process. Missile from a gunship. But I survived, and they didn't.

[ As Garrus tells the tale, Noh-Varr looks at the visor. The names as inscribed in a language he doesn't speak, so he lifts his cuff to help read them out: Erash, Monteague, Mierin, Grundan Krul, Melenis, Ripper, Sensat, Vortash, Butler, Weaver. A few sound vaguely human, and it makes him wonder what kind of people they were. The last line of letters is charred, but still readable: Sidonis. He memorizes those names. He's been on both ends of betrayal. Nothing is ever clean, but he knows that hurt.

Garrus pulls him in close, and he allows it, feeling the tracing of talons against the skin of his waist. When he turns his face up to Garrus', he's smiling, warm, perhaps a bit secretive. His priority is a superhero. Handing back the visor, he traces the scars on Garrus' right side. ]

Not bad for a missile to the face, Archangel. I like it.

[ 'I survived, and they didn't.' He especially likes the sound of that. He leans up, kissing Garrus' chin. ]

I'm glad you made it. [ But more importantly: ] Where will you go from here?

[There's a lot of guilt involved in surviving when his people didn't. It's something that will always stick with him, he's pretty sure, and maybe that's good, considering the mess he's gotten himself into here.

Garrus takes the visor back to run his thumb over the names. Despite the weight of all of this, the expression on Noh's face comforts him. He's just told Noh his biggest failure, and yet the kree is touching him, kissing him.]

That's the question, isn't it.

[And not really one. Not at this point. One path leads to failure - failing his world, his people, his squad, and all of those he's come to care about here, including his current company. Now that he's faced with the facts, he can't ignore them.]

Except I guess it isn't.

[Garrus shakes his head before setting the visor in his lap and reaching up to run a thumb along Noh's jaw. He's screwed up a lot in his life. He may still screw this up, may still screw everything up, but he can at least take steps to try to fix what problems he sees.]

I can't weigh Shepard being my Commander into anything anymore.

[It's hard. It hurts. It's only the first step. And if it sounds like he's convincing himself, that's because he partly is. These are things he now knows, but they're going to take work.]

I'm here. I have a duty to perform. For my new squad. For my planet. And for those I've come to care about here. If I fuck up, I don't just fuck things up for myself.

[Which is also difficult, but saying it helps wrap his mind around it a little more.]

And I... I have to hope she forgives me.

[Spirits, he hopes she forgives him.]

About two years ago now I was freed from prison. [ That is a story for another time, and not the one he wants to recount here. ] I fell in with some bad people, and left them. [ Also not the story he wants to tell here. ] I got into contact with the Supreme Intelligence; it gave me the mandate to protect Earth, which suited me. I worked on my own, trying to help as much as I could. Eventually I was invited to join a group of high-profile vigilantes. I had nowhere else to go, and they were honorable, and gave me a place to belong, so I went with them.

[ Captain America, Thor, Spider-Woman, Hawkeye, Luke Cage. Dinners at Avengers Tower. Convincing Jessica Jones that her back-alley shish taouk was actually a Skrull dish. Eating pie. Annie. ]

We fought some threats together--the typical planetary-takeover types. A time thief. Extraterrestrials. I like to think I did my part. During this period we were tasked to go into space to stop an incoming--a wave, you could call it. The Phoenix Force. A weapon of mass destruction, capable of decimating entire planets, if not entire galaxies. Together, we could contain it, but not destroy it. And the Supreme Intelligence asked me to collect it, to bring it home to Hala, so that it could be used to protect our galaxy and all others.

[ His face is taut; this is obviously an unpleasant memory that even bodily exhaustion can't shake. His eyes say what his lips can't: I was stupid. I believed. Because I didn't know any better. ]

We did contain it. And I betrayed them, all those good people, in the name of the Intelligence, because I couldn't... [ He purses his lips, and it hits him, this problem he keeps juggling, what he'd realized after Kate. It all comes back to-- ] Couldn't let go of the past. And of course the Intelligence lied. Its prime function is to protect the Kree genome, it doesn't care for a remote backwater like Earth. So I betrayed the Intelligence to bring the weapon back to the Avengers.

[ He looks up at Garrus, snuggled close, his voice just barely a whisper. That was an awfully long story for a fairly short point he's trying to make. ]

Sometimes you need to let go before the bridge is burnt. Or accept that no matter what you do, it may be better to burn it yourself before it gets burnt for you. Do you understand?

[ He'll never be able to go back home. They'll never forgive his crime. Neither will the Avengers, for putting their planet in danger. Shepard is Garrus' Supreme Intelligence, as it were, and as far as Noh-Varr is concerned Garrus's every thought should be on how to move away from her long, long shadow. ]

Edited 2014-12-16 07:45 (UTC)

[He watches Noh talk, listening, not surprised by the turn the Supreme Intelligence took but disappointed in it anyway. Clearly Noh-Varr had faith in it, and it betrayed him. And the point is clear. Shepard would not ever actually betray Garrus, wouldn't try to harm him, but trying to serve both her and the CDC is impossible.]

I do.

[His voice is just as quiet. It's not stupid to have faith, he feels, and his arm is tight around Noh-Varr. Of course someone would choose their people. It makes so much sense, especially with the connections they've made between the turians and the Kree. But faith can come around and bite you if it's blind, and Garrus' had been fairly blind.

Garrus' hand drops from Noh's jaw to take one of Noh's hands in his.]

She deserves better than to be let go, or to be treated like a bridge that needs to be burned. She's my friend, and we owe each other our lives dozens of times over. But on anything that's official, that's CDC...

[He takes a long breath, closing his eyes for a few moments.]

On anything official, I'll direct her to her team leads.

[It's what he has to do. It's been made very clear. And as he's an adult who knows how to recognize his duty when he sees it, he'll follow through with this. But he'll also tell her. Garrus can't let this blindside her, can't have her come to him for answers or help and have him turn her away suddenly.

His fingers thread through Noh-Varr's as he opens his eyes and looks back into the deep green ones staring up at him. Noh is beautiful, all the more so to Garrus for not only listening and not judging what Garrus considers his biggest failure, but sharing in return, opening up about his own failure. That's never easy, ever, and he feels like some of the weight is off of his shoulders. There's still plenty to do. He has to talk to Shepard, he has to make up for what he's done, but he's got support.]

Lay down with me?

[And he's also got a tiny bit of pride for that coming out like that and not "sleep with me," because knowing his mouth and his ability to blurt out the wrong thing at the wrong time, it wouldn't have been a surprise to either of them.]

[ 'Shepard wouldn't betray Garrus.' Noh-Varr learned very quickly that when the question is betrayal, there are never any absolutes. At one point in his life he knew, without the shadow of a doubt, that the Supreme Intelligence would never betray one of its own. Only it had. Norman Osborn had used and tricked him. Captain America had turned on him in his moment of weakness. He'd deserved it for his naivete.

How can he tell Garrus that he doesn't want to be a bridge, either? But that he would choose a thousand times over to be burnt than to take Garrus down with him.

He doesn't like talking about these stories. They raise too many painful truths he'd rather not consider. Instead, he turns his body in toward Garrus', tucking his head beneath the Turian's chin. Twined like this, he can't even bring himself to feel discomfort at the hard plating. The bed is soft enough and his body tired enough. ]

I'm already here, you big dork. [ Said with affection. It's hard not to be affectionate in the face of those cute, twitching mandibles. ] Where else would I go?

[ Predictably, he'll be asleep in moments. ]

[He knows Noh means it literally, but the question makes him happy anyway. Noh doesn't want to be somewhere else. Garrus is clearly not in the good books of the CDC or, possibly more importantly to the Kree, Warriorhead, and yet Noh's here, curling up with him, close and affectionate. There's trust here, and that's dangerous and frightening and Garrus can't summon up the energy to worry about it.

He shifts a little to get comfortable, trying not to scrape Noh in the process. They've been finding positions that work, at least.]

Nowhere, [is the answer Garrus finally gives his priority. He truly is into this man.] I... Goodnight, Noh-Varr. And thanks.

[He doesn't have to say it. But he wants to anyway, wants Noh to know he appreciates the listening and talking, almost as much as he likes the way Noh feels in his arms whenever he falls asleep.]

IC Contact - Consignment

D73, following Warriorhead's post

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