Garrus Vakarian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forgivetheinsubordination) wrote2037-04-27 09:49 pm
forgivetheinsubordination) wrote2037-04-27 09:49 pm
Entry tags:
IC Contact - Consignment
vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
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vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
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vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
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I didn't say it was.
[ He had that talk with Ino, in fact. ]
FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org
I find it admirable.
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Thank you.
[Whoops. So wait. Does Noh maybe... not think he can feel that strongly? Garrus doesn't know.]
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
Did you want me to pick up anything from the kitchen on my way over?
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No. I'm coming to you.
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Have I told you what reading that does for me?
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Keep it to yourself, Casanova. You can tell me later.
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Keep it to myself and tell you later? I'm talented, but I'm not sure I'm that talented.
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You've proven yourself capable.
[ He's knocking on Garrus' door a few minutes later, in a t-shirt and jeans. ]
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Hey. Come on in. Don't step on a lego.
[And even though Noh's here for talking and not just other things, Garrus can't resist leaning in to touch his mandible to the Kree's cheek.]
Good to see you.
[He nudges one of Ino's plants just outside the door, just to say that there's company there even if he doesn't know if there'll be more than simply company later.]
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[ Watching Garrus nudge the plant out the door makes him smile. He turns his cheek into Garrus' embrace, nuzzling gently against the mandible. ]
We'll be deploying in less than 48 hours, looks like.
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Yeah.
[He'd known this was coming sooner or later. Garrus had just hoped they'd wind up with a task against sentient life later.]
I...
[Exhaling, leading the way back to his alcove, Garrus shakes his head.]
I don't think we're ready. I think this is gonna be bad.
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We'll endure. We have to. You can only protect your own.
[ It's the ones like Parker and D'Artagnan that worry him, the ones who feel entitled to endangering others out of their own self-righteous pride. ]
But I agree. We'll have to be ready.
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Garrus' arms go around Noh's waist, resting there.]
There's a bunch of my own who aren't gonna do well. D'Artagnan. Roxas. Athos. Jean. And I don't know if you saw Hibari decide that one of these days he's going to fight Gliese, but he did.
[His voice is hushed now. There are four more Leapfrogs, and while he's pretty sure Hanna and Ren will be fine, he's not so certain about Elena or Zuko.]
We could... We could lose more to Gliese than we lost to all of Ajna.
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[ Noh-Varr shrugs. ] It'll be out of my hands.
[ Tilting his head, he kisses Garrus' mouth, then his chin. ]
And yours. You'll have to accept that, one day. You can teach them to protect themselves, but you can't do it for them.
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[It's so much more complicated than that, but Garrus presses his mouthplates to Noh-Varr's forehead before trying to figure out how to explain in a way that won't set the Kree off on an upset rant about Shepard or d'Artagnan. He can't find one, so explain anyway it is.]
Leaders aren't isolated. If... If Shepard had gone further, she wouldn't have been the only one at risk. It would've been her cadets and anyone Normandy. If d'Artagnan loses control, it's not just him that's gonna pay, Noh. It's my squad and me too. And if one of my squad flips out, that could be on my head and d'Artagnan's too.
[Let alone the fact that he can't stop worrying about the young that aren't on his squad. Korra, Elric, Reiner, Jean... there's a lot of them, and there isn't a way to simply cease caring, even if he wanted to. His arms tighten a little around Noh's waist as he edges toward the bed. The height difference won't be as pronounced if they're sitting on the edge.]
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He lets Garrus pull him towards the bed, and they fall on the edge together. Garrus is still taller, but it's easier this way for him to tuck his head gently against Garrus' keel.
At his Orange assessment, he'd spoken to Warriorhead about the oath sworn by Kree cadets. The first part goes: Sentient beings are numberless. I vow to save them all. On the scale of an entire species, it represents the moral responsibility of the Kree to strike down their enemies, to gathering other living things into the Empire, and to destroy foreign gods with reason and science. On the scale of a single Kree soldier, its means protecting the citizens of the Empire, protecting one's crew and, in a secondary capacity, the self.
He can't save sentient life. But he can do what he can to save these people, this ship. He owes it to himself to try. ]
Promise me you'll keep yourself safe. [ When the time comes. Because it will come. Neither of them can deny it now. ]
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I will. I'll keep myself safe, and as many of those who are mine as I can. My squad, my crew, my friends. My priority.
[Until revelation do them part, likely. Garrus can't bring himself to bring it up right now. Maybe after planetfall. Just let him have a little more time. A little longer to hold Noh-Varr, to have this.]
You'll be keeping yourself safe.
[He knows Noh will. That's both a comfort and the same thing that's going to take Noh-Varr from him.]
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[ Garrus is so earnest. He promises himself so readily, and Noh-Varr wishes he could do the same. He leans forward, kissing the Turian's mouth plates, gently, then his nose, and his forehead, even though the hide is too thick to feel much. Garrus deserves his honesty in this. ]
Macha doesn't bother me. [ He doesn't mince words. There's no point. ] I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed.
[ A beat passes, as he caresses Garrus' cheeks, thumbs trailing down the mandibles. ] I think it's regrettable. But I'm ready to do what I need to do.
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That you're going to kill sentient beings who haven't done anything wrong doesn't bother you? At all?
[There's a difference between being aware of it coming down to this sometime, and actually having the time come.]
If it's regrettable, that means some regret, doesn't it? That it has some impact?
[Would Garrus be here if he'd had full disclosure? He doesn't think so. A couple of years ago, sure. But not as he is now. And yet he can't blame those who are here. Can't be angry with them, bothered by their choices. These worlds would be destroyed anyway, with or without them.]
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I don't enjoy causing harm to innocents, Garrus. [ He purses his mouth, forming a thin line. ] But I won't endanger this crew with non-compliance.
[ Turning away, he shifts his position. ] Planets aren't finite; not even dimensions are finite. The interlocking universes are bigger than our limited comprehension allows us to grasp. Realities collapse each time you blink, Garrus, and yet you don't mourn them. [ A beat, and he turns his face up to Garrus' again. ] We can only care for what's ours.
[ Otherwise you'll go insane. It's what he'd told Parker; he wonders if this is it, if Garrus will reject him now the way she had. He steels himself. ]
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We're not causing those realities to collapse. We'll be the cause of death here. There's a difference. But...
[Garrus sighs, looks away. Can he really blame someone for having a safer outlook? Can he be upset because one of the people he cares about is going to clearly manage dealing with Ajna and Garrus won't have to worry there? Noh's gone a little tense and Garrus leans in to touch their foreheads together.]
It's not like there's a choice. You... Are you just all right with it? I mean, there's not...
[He takes a breath. He doesn't even really know what he's asking.]
Sorry. You're the first person in my, hah, group, that's been all right. And I know without even checking on some of the others that they're not.
[And so he has to worry about them, worry about what happens if they go too far, wonder who he's going to see put up as an object lesson next. His real worry is that he's going to see Shepard there soon.]
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They're intelligent, Garrus. They'll see us coming, if we drop in. We're going to reach the surface and I doubt the welcome will be favorable.
[ He's quiet for a moment, then: ] I didn't want to say anything after Ajna. Everyone was mourning.
[ Not him; not for that frozen hunk of rock, at least. ]
You should know: the Kree are world-conquerors. My actions now would be seen favorably. [ He looks at his hands, clinically, then back up. ] Maybe I've been lying to myself all these years. Forgotten my nature, tried to be human. I need to put my reservations aside and protect this crew, Garrus.
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[This is starting to worry him a little. Noh has always been himself, bright and alive, not... detached. Not the way Noh's looked at his hands now, or the way he's talking.]
Your Supreme Intelligence lied to you. It used you. Is that what Kree are? Because in everything I've seen, you haven't lied, you haven't mislead.
[There's concern in his voice as he searches Noh's eyes.]
I'm a lousy turian... and I'm all right with that. Because I'm me. I wouldn't want to be a good turian. If I was, I wouldn't have half the friends I do, here or back on the Normandy. If I was, my world wouldn't have been as prepared as it was for the Reaper attack. And sure, here I'd be better. I'd be doing really damn well. I wouldn't have skated close to the edge, wouldn't have needed Armada and Warriorhead both to call me out before opening up my eyes, but... that's not me.
There's protection, and there's losing yourself. Protect, but don't stop being you. Because who you are...
[He shakes his head. Who Noh is, is the person Garrus has fallen for.]
Who you are is the most attractive person I've ever known.
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Has Garrus ever known exile? Noh-Varr is not just a bad Kree; he's no Kree at all. Earth doesn't want him any more than Hala does. So which is he, false Kree or false human? He'd gone from security, a steady place in the universe, to drifting between two civilizations. He'd been content not to care, but here, he doesn't have that luxury. ]
I'm not losing myself. [ It feels like the opposite. Like he's being forced to discover the person hiding beneath his skin all this time. ] Don't put me on a pedestal, Garrus.
[ He wonders what will happen if Garrus finds that the person Noh-Varr is becoming doesn't match his expectations. He hasn't mislead, Garrus tells him. Garrus knows about his background, knows what Noh-Varr is capable of. His interpretation of that is positive bias. Noh-Varr hates being a disappointment. ]
What makes you think Macha would have troubled me in the first place?
[ It does, on some level, but that isn't the point. He wants to know where the discrepancy lies. ]
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[There's confusion in his voice. Noh's talking about putting a part of himself aside and Garrus doesn't know where that can lead that's possibly good. The question only adds to how much Garrus is at a loss.]
And I figure this is going to trouble anyone with a conscience. Not enough to make them stop, because the weight on the other end of the scales is pretty damn high, but we're going to have to kill every man, woman, and child on that planet.
[The confusion fades, to be replaced by a little frustration. Garrus hates what they'll have to do. But there is literally no choice in the matter.]
Green especially, if Ajna is anything to go by.
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Save your concern for when you'll need it, Garrus.
[ He doesn't bother trying to explain the kind of perspective dimensional travel gives you; even now he struggles to piece his emotions together. He suspects he won't know how to really feel about what's coming until it arrives--and figures the same for Garrus. ]
Let me stay with you for a little while.
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