forgivetheinsubordination | IC Contact

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

We managed Ajna, we'll manage Macha, too. Doubting ourselves so soon is pointless.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

And yet you asked.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Can I see you tonight?

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

Because I was worried about you. You feel strongly. It's a quality of yours.

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

I don't want you to do something reckless.

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

I'd like that.

[Not a good quality. A quality. Ouch]

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

I know how to be careful. Even with my strong feelings. They aren't a weakness.

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

I didn't say it was.

[ He had that talk with Ino, in fact. ]

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

I find it admirable.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Thank you.

[Whoops. So wait. Does Noh maybe... not think he can feel that strongly? Garrus doesn't know.]

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Did you want me to pick up anything from the kitchen on my way over?

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

No. I'm coming to you.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Have I told you what reading that does for me?

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

Keep it to yourself, Casanova. You can tell me later.

FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org

Keep it to myself and tell you later? I'm talented, but I'm not sure I'm that talented.

FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org

You've proven yourself capable.

[ He's knocking on Garrus' door a few minutes later, in a t-shirt and jeans. ]

[He's quick to open the door.]

Hey. Come on in. Don't step on a lego.

[And even though Noh's here for talking and not just other things, Garrus can't resist leaning in to touch his mandible to the Kree's cheek.]

Good to see you.

[He nudges one of Ino's plants just outside the door, just to say that there's company there even if he doesn't know if there'll be more than simply company later.]

Likewise.

[ Watching Garrus nudge the plant out the door makes him smile. He turns his cheek into Garrus' embrace, nuzzling gently against the mandible. ]

We'll be deploying in less than 48 hours, looks like.

[His own smile is a little tight, mandibles not flaring out that much as he tilts his head toward the room.]

Yeah.

[He'd known this was coming sooner or later. Garrus had just hoped they'd wind up with a task against sentient life later.]

I...

[Exhaling, leading the way back to his alcove, Garrus shakes his head.]

I don't think we're ready. I think this is gonna be bad.

[ Gently, he reaches up, cupping Garrus' face. He brings the turian's head down until their foreheads press together. ]

We'll endure. We have to. You can only protect your own.

[ It's the ones like Parker and D'Artagnan that worry him, the ones who feel entitled to endangering others out of their own self-righteous pride. ]

But I agree. We'll have to be ready.

[Easily he moves into Noh-Varr's touch. There are times he's tempted to ignore everything else, to let himself think that maybe this can continue as it is, and right now is one of them. If Hibari hadn't asked... but he did. Nonetheless, now isn't the time for that talk. Or he's telling himself it isn't.

Garrus' arms go around Noh's waist, resting there.]

There's a bunch of my own who aren't gonna do well. D'Artagnan. Roxas. Athos. Jean. And I don't know if you saw Hibari decide that one of these days he's going to fight Gliese, but he did.

[His voice is hushed now. There are four more Leapfrogs, and while he's pretty sure Hanna and Ren will be fine, he's not so certain about Elena or Zuko.]

We could... We could lose more to Gliese than we lost to all of Ajna.

Hibari is... [ He huffs out a breath. ] Gliese has better things to do with her time. He's already challenged Armada, and isn't dead yet. He won't actually go after her until he's gained some power, and by then...

[ Noh-Varr shrugs. ] It'll be out of my hands.

[ Tilting his head, he kisses Garrus' mouth, then his chin. ]

And yours. You'll have to accept that, one day. You can teach them to protect themselves, but you can't do it for them.

It's...

[It's so much more complicated than that, but Garrus presses his mouthplates to Noh-Varr's forehead before trying to figure out how to explain in a way that won't set the Kree off on an upset rant about Shepard or d'Artagnan. He can't find one, so explain anyway it is.]

Leaders aren't isolated. If... If Shepard had gone further, she wouldn't have been the only one at risk. It would've been her cadets and anyone Normandy. If d'Artagnan loses control, it's not just him that's gonna pay, Noh. It's my squad and me too. And if one of my squad flips out, that could be on my head and d'Artagnan's too.

[Let alone the fact that he can't stop worrying about the young that aren't on his squad. Korra, Elric, Reiner, Jean... there's a lot of them, and there isn't a way to simply cease caring, even if he wanted to. His arms tighten a little around Noh's waist as he edges toward the bed. The height difference won't be as pronounced if they're sitting on the edge.]

[ The more Garrus talks, the angrier Noh-Varr becomes, until eventually he discards the emotion altogether. It's too much anger, too much to care about in one fell burst, the implication too large. They're expendable, their captain and instructors centuries old, unfathomable. It does him no good to dwell on what-ifs. Shepard was made a Grey and her crew still lives. He'll focus on that.

He lets Garrus pull him towards the bed, and they fall on the edge together. Garrus is still taller, but it's easier this way for him to tuck his head gently against Garrus' keel.

At his Orange assessment, he'd spoken to Warriorhead about the oath sworn by Kree cadets. The first part goes: Sentient beings are numberless. I vow to save them all. On the scale of an entire species, it represents the moral responsibility of the Kree to strike down their enemies, to gathering other living things into the Empire, and to destroy foreign gods with reason and science. On the scale of a single Kree soldier, its means protecting the citizens of the Empire, protecting one's crew and, in a secondary capacity, the self.

He can't save sentient life. But he can do what he can to save these people, this ship. He owes it to himself to try. ]

Promise me you'll keep yourself safe. [ When the time comes. Because it will come. Neither of them can deny it now. ]

[Keep himself safe. From death, he means, and Garrus can do that. But he's already lost himself here. Garrus closes his eyes, rubbing a mandible against Noh's hair, feeling the way the individual strands rub and tickle. He's entirely lost. But this isn't what Noh-Varr's talking about, and at least Garrus can pretend any emotions he's feeling are on the other topic.]

I will. I'll keep myself safe, and as many of those who are mine as I can. My squad, my crew, my friends. My priority.

[Until revelation do them part, likely. Garrus can't bring himself to bring it up right now. Maybe after planetfall. Just let him have a little more time. A little longer to hold Noh-Varr, to have this.]

You'll be keeping yourself safe.

[He knows Noh will. That's both a comfort and the same thing that's going to take Noh-Varr from him.]

You know I will. Garrus...

[ Garrus is so earnest. He promises himself so readily, and Noh-Varr wishes he could do the same. He leans forward, kissing the Turian's mouth plates, gently, then his nose, and his forehead, even though the hide is too thick to feel much. Garrus deserves his honesty in this. ]

Macha doesn't bother me. [ He doesn't mince words. There's no point. ] I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed.

[ A beat passes, as he caresses Garrus' cheeks, thumbs trailing down the mandibles. ] I think it's regrettable. But I'm ready to do what I need to do.

Edited 2015-01-26 06:53 (UTC)

[Garrus hears the words, takes the time to process them. It's funny, how both Shepard and Noh-Varr agreed, and one is struggling while the other is flourishing. But it's hard to grasp how this doesn't bother his lover. He pulls back from the gentle kisses enough to see Noh's face.]

That you're going to kill sentient beings who haven't done anything wrong doesn't bother you? At all?

[There's a difference between being aware of it coming down to this sometime, and actually having the time come.]

If it's regrettable, that means some regret, doesn't it? That it has some impact?

[Would Garrus be here if he'd had full disclosure? He doesn't think so. A couple of years ago, sure. But not as he is now. And yet he can't blame those who are here. Can't be angry with them, bothered by their choices. These worlds would be destroyed anyway, with or without them.]

[ It was easy to explain to Parker. Noh-Varr finds it less so now, with Garrus looking to him expectantly. ]

I don't enjoy causing harm to innocents, Garrus. [ He purses his mouth, forming a thin line. ] But I won't endanger this crew with non-compliance.

[ Turning away, he shifts his position. ] Planets aren't finite; not even dimensions are finite. The interlocking universes are bigger than our limited comprehension allows us to grasp. Realities collapse each time you blink, Garrus, and yet you don't mourn them. [ A beat, and he turns his face up to Garrus' again. ] We can only care for what's ours.

[ Otherwise you'll go insane. It's what he'd told Parker; he wonders if this is it, if Garrus will reject him now the way she had. He steels himself. ]

[It's... practical. It's what Noh's always been and Garrus has sometimes struggled to be. And while Garrus doesn't like the point Noh is making, he can't argue some of it. They can't afford to endanger the crew by not cooperating. They can only care for what's theirs. But at the same time...]

We're not causing those realities to collapse. We'll be the cause of death here. There's a difference. But...

[Garrus sighs, looks away. Can he really blame someone for having a safer outlook? Can he be upset because one of the people he cares about is going to clearly manage dealing with Ajna and Garrus won't have to worry there? Noh's gone a little tense and Garrus leans in to touch their foreheads together.]

It's not like there's a choice. You... Are you just all right with it? I mean, there's not...

[He takes a breath. He doesn't even really know what he's asking.]

Sorry. You're the first person in my, hah, group, that's been all right. And I know without even checking on some of the others that they're not.

[And so he has to worry about them, worry about what happens if they go too far, wonder who he's going to see put up as an object lesson next. His real worry is that he's going to see Shepard there soon.]

[ The forehead press is welcome, and Noh-Varr leans into it. He finds himself thankful; thankful that Garrus is willing to see his side, that he isn't dogmatic. It isn't strictly a human trait, he's found. ]

They're intelligent, Garrus. They'll see us coming, if we drop in. We're going to reach the surface and I doubt the welcome will be favorable.

[ He's quiet for a moment, then: ] I didn't want to say anything after Ajna. Everyone was mourning.

[ Not him; not for that frozen hunk of rock, at least. ]

You should know: the Kree are world-conquerors. My actions now would be seen favorably. [ He looks at his hands, clinically, then back up. ] Maybe I've been lying to myself all these years. Forgotten my nature, tried to be human. I need to put my reservations aside and protect this crew, Garrus.

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